NUDITY AND THE ROOTS OF COMPULSION

I have to admit it, there is something that “pulls” at me when it comes to nudity. Yesterday’s post looked at how I entered into the world of naturism as a healing escape from a world that was closing in on me, pushing me into darkness, strangling the will to live at times. As I was reading last night before going to bed, I found these words. I knew immediately that these words would become part of today’s post. I read no further as I didn’t want to lose the power of these words through overloading my brain.

“You have to make your own world, instead of succumbing to the one that presses on you.” [Moore, Dark Nights of the Soul, p. 108]

My entering into the trees and removing my clothing was a deliberate act of making my own world, a private world in which I could feel the sun, feel freedom; a place that was private outside of my skin. That moment in time wasn’t my first experience with nudity, but it was the first private, intentional experience with nudity.

For many years while I was involved with my career as teacher, principal and counsellor, and busy with raising a family; occasions of nudity were infrequent, more like stolen moments. I had forgotten about my naturist sanctuary world. All that remained was the unconscious pull that resulted in being denied. I wanted to be normal as much as possible, for the world to see me as an ordinary man, not a wounded man with an abnormal passion to strip off my clothing and dance in the sunshine like some pagan out of the distant past.

The thing with all those things which we deny and push down and bury in inner darkness; these things have a way of seeping out into our lives when we least expect them and disturbing us. So it was and is for me. Whether it came to light while wearing shorts without briefs, or dreams; I would often find myself embarrassed, even though no one seemed to notice, and in that embarrassment, I would double my efforts to hide my body. The compulsion to nudity got turned around to become a compulsion to being clothed, to again hide.

Time has a way of having us return again and again to our denied shadow stuff. Having an existential midlife crisis is one of those times when it seems to all come rushing out to confront the ego. to challenge the status quo of our lives. I am no different than anyone else in this respect. The compulsion to be nude snuck out of the Pandora’s box in which it was hidden, chained and locked. Without consciously realising it, I found myself shucking off my shorts and top on isolated sections of beaches while with my wife and children. Nudity in the house began to be just a bit more than while sleeping and in the shower or bathtub. I was uncomfortable with what was happening, seemingly beyond my intentions and tried again, pushing it back. But a compulsion is not to be so easily denied.

On the way to another midlife crisis, I found myself unclothed, always in a quiet place, almost always alone. I would lay in the sunshine beside a villa in Mexico, within a courtyard in Costa Rica, in a garden in Belize, or while walking in saltwater lagoons. A return to meditation after an absence of almost thirty years found me meditating in the nude. At some point along the way, I admitted to myself that this was the way it was. I had to admit to myself that I was very different. That admission opened the Pandora’s box even further. I didn’t yet realise why I was this way – the past and the abuse was still locked up tight. I just assumed it was a defect in my character that I couldn’t avoid living. I admitted it to myself and then worked hard to make sure that no one else would ever know about this. Yes, I can already hear your snickering.

Compulsions are so easily contained, so it was only a matter of time before it all came spilling out. But that, will have to wait for another post. In the mean time, you might want to read a few interesting articles on the compulsion to being nude, to being naked. Two blog posts by an author identified as “nudiarist”: The Compulsion to be Nude and  the Compulsion to be Nude Part Two are good places to start. And, here is another article from Yahoo News.

Posted on skycladtherapist.wordpress.com and reposted on www.nudiststop.com